Love might be the biggest contribution to the broken mess that is me and the disbelief I got for it.
I have never really felt fully and utterly loved, and I mean romantically so. My love for someone has always been a painful one, mostly it hasn’t been returned. There are those that have expressed their love for me, but either I didn’t feel it towards them and thus could disqualify them or there were other factors that made me question the validity of their claim. Like how could they love me, when I have kept my distance?
The long history of unrequited love, all my teenage loves were unspoken, unwelcome, and certainly unhappy. All that has naturally led to extremely low self-esteem when it comes to someone choosing me, falling in love with me, the real me. Of course I know those are insecurities that many have but after a while I started to take it as truth, that I might actually be unlovable.
So I stopped trying and depression was the only thing I had left. What’s the point to do anything if I will never experience what’s good about life? One would also think that the longer it goes the easier it would be for me to fall for someone, like take the first person comes along, but the opposite is true, sure I might be open to most people but for me to fall for them is very hard. I’m not sure if it is because I don’t feel that I deserve to be loved or if I have impossible unrealistic views of what love should be.
Having never experienced what healthy love could be has also made me a disbeliever, not that I reject the concept of love, more that I don’t think it is what it is said to be. Together with they disbelief I did however reject the concept of relationships and family. I have embraced that fact, that I don’t have to try and find someone to have a family with, that I don’t have to have children.
Dropping out of the race, it is to be honestly just me accepting and making It my choice to not be loveable or relationship material, accepting that I won’t find love and thus closing that part of me down for good. I do however have a strong suspicion it is self-preservation on my part, it’s easier to not believe something is real than to accept that you don’t deserve it.
There is immense freedom in that and it let’s me pursue a completely egotistical life, I don’t even have my cats anymore so I really don’t have anyone else to think about. At the same time it does feel strange not being part of anyone’s life in any meaningful way. It takes quite a bit of internal struggle to shut down the hope that it could happen, that sometimes turns up after meeting someone that really triggers my romantic side, I have to forcefully remind oneself about principles and goals.
What remains is the need for intimacy and it only comes in form of sex. Come back tomorrow that part.