One experiment I did, or tried to do was to only drink an espresso per day for 30 days. I thought I could cut down on how much coffee I drink and especially just how much time I spend in cafes. My plan was to see if that made me be out there living life more instead, photographing more.
And I failed miserably! Just managed to do a few days. I didn’t spend any less time in cafes and would often buy several espressos. I don’t even like espresso that much, I do prefer regular black coffee! So I just realised that why not just get what I want and went back to black coffee. No regrets!
For awhile now, I’ve done some small and big experiments in various ways in an effort to find out just what makes me tick and how I can maximise my enjoyment in life and I think also foremost to learn more about myself.
I’ll write about them no matter if I succeed or fail, either way I will have thoughts about them.
Walking into the small room no idea what to expect,
you told me to get close as you started to open my pants.
We were naked and we sat down, too far away.
Honey, you told me your pussy tastes like honey,
rarely have I wanted to taste so intensely.
But there was a price I couldn’t afford.
Your eyes went to my hard cock with curiosity,
I felt like I could cum in that instant.
To savour it, I slowed down as much as possible.
As I heard how wet you were becoming,
you also remarked how I was the same for you.
Both wet and dripping, wanting what couldn’t be.
My efforts to prolong started to fail,
looking at you play with your sweet pussy.
All I could really do, was a massive mess.
In my lap you were naked and grinding,
your ass moving and pressing.
I grew harder and harder.
With only thin suitpants between us,
you had to know how precisely you pleased me.
Your ass stroking my hard cock.
Your tits were just a breath away,
moving in a sensual way as you arched your back.
You started touching your pussy.
As you were pretending to cum,
I was just a few touches from actually cumming.
The song ended and you stand up smiling at me.
At midnight and closing hours,
I'm hoping to finish with a private dance.
You walk away with another man and I walk home, hard.
With what I think about love it might surprise some of you that there is a part of me that wants nothing more than to get married and start a family. I might have an old-fashioned and delusional romantic notion of what life is “supposed” to be, even if I know better. I really envisioned my life like that, that I would meet someone, we fall madly in love, choose and decide to spend life together, get a house near nature and have kids. Looking back at what I really waited for, pined for, what I firmly believed in, that I just had to meet the right one and the rest would follow naturally.
Wow just wow. I was never in a position to attract anyone to such life with me, and even if I did, I’m not sure that is what I really actually wanted. Probably just what I thought love was supposed to be, and maybe it wasn’t the kind of love that I really wanted or needed.
It has been a very rough ride to get to know oneself and unlearn and relearn everything, even basic stuff like that. I am in a much more healthy place now where I can envision having relationships but with the life I’ve chosen for myself and the future building for myself I have accepted some things just isn’t in the cards for me. My life is and will always be way too messy and I’m not sure I want to subject someone to it but if someone insists on being in my life then I would gladly share this journey with someone.
However about family and children, I still do really want to have children but it’s a strange combination of my intellectual side and my biological side. Biological side is simple, it comes from my lust wanting to impregnate all the pretty girls that I see daily. Intellectually it is based on the knowledge that I am the last one in our branch of the family tree that is humanity and if I don’t have children it ends with me. All those ancestors before me, meeting up and fucking since the dawn of mankind, always making the next generation when so many never get to pass on their genes. It’s hard knowing you can’t have children because of how your life is but at the same time your instincts are screaming.
So only time will tell what the future holds but at least I feel I will be ok which ever shape it takes.
Attention, I will go into detail about stuff and might be things you don’t want to know about me, so you’ve been warned.
Me never feeling loved has led me to only feel intimacy and or course validation through sex. People wanting to be my friend, or people admiring my work, while appreciated, never mattered in the same way because that doesn’t acknowledge the side of me that is in the most need of attention and validation.
When love wasn’t there and then the lack of sex, it is that which has shaped so much of who I have become. And what has fueled so much of my depression.
I use my lust as a coping mechanism against my depression but it is also the source of it in many ways. It’s easy when depressed to close down completely both emotionally and sexually, maybe more so sexually. For me, my lust has always been a huge source of inspiration and creative energy, the best way to get that “boost” in morale. When the lust isn’t there I sink deeply into apathy and it is very easy to get stuck there. So at some point in my life I started to make an effort to build up my sexual drive, mostly by letting myself enjoy porn, looking lustfully at random girls but also making an effort by resisting to cum as long as I can, also called “edging”, I used to mostly do it by masturbating for hours everyday while watching porn and being thirsty online and exchanging nudes and camming with random girls.
My hornyness is often the only source of positive feeling, in by building of lust and when I manage to get the hornyness to so immense intensity that I don’t think about anything else than sex. When I don’t think about anything else, well then I don’t think about all the bad shit in my life, I can be fully in the present and not worry. It’s a combination of escape and filling myself with the strongest and most positive feeling and sensation. It brings colour to my world and it’s an amazing feeling to look out and actually feel something, even if it’s just an intense excitement seeing a pretty girl have some little extra revealing clothes.
There is a downside, if there is no outlet for the lust, somewhere to direct it and if the orgasm isn’t shared it only amplifies the depression by enforcing the feeling of being lonely and as a failure. And the plunge into a very dark place is very hard and drastic. It takes a long time to recover and can pretty much only be done by making new successful efforts to become horny again. When wanting something more than anything else and when there is no way to fulfil that need, to cope with that realisation it tends to be a very primitive reaction, since I don’t really have any other firm ground to stand on, it all comes crashing down, it is in a sense life defining to the core of myself. In that moment it really feels like the truth about me is what it is, which I’ve been denying all this time, it is the culmination of everything that is me. The thoughts usually during that moment when unsuccessfully attempting to not be alone, is that no one wants you and will ever want you. The feeling that something is genuinely impossible can’t easily be overblown since it is a very toxic place to fall into and the longer you are in there the harder it is to shake it off.
I honestly have no idea how to not have that negative self/world-view as my base a lot of the time. Pretty much all the time I “know” that I have to spend the rest of my life alone, that I will never have what I want the most. Like by some accident I am the only person in history that is in fact unlovable. When knowing all that, you have never felt so alone as when you feel completely unseen.
Now I know, most of the time it’s all in my head because I know there people who would gladly be with me, but that’s the thing with depression, it’s fucked up.