Attention, I will go into detail about stuff and might be things you don’t want to know about me, so you’ve been warned.
Me never feeling loved has led me to only feel intimacy and or course validation through sex. People wanting to be my friend, or people admiring my work, while appreciated, never mattered in the same way because that doesn’t acknowledge the side of me that is in the most need of attention and validation.
When love wasn’t there and then the lack of sex, it is that which has shaped so much of who I have become. And what has fueled so much of my depression.
I use my lust as a coping mechanism against my depression but it is also the source of it in many ways. It’s easy when depressed to close down completely both emotionally and sexually, maybe more so sexually. For me, my lust has always been a huge source of inspiration and creative energy, the best way to get that “boost” in morale. When the lust isn’t there I sink deeply into apathy and it is very easy to get stuck there. So at some point in my life I started to make an effort to build up my sexual drive, mostly by letting myself enjoy porn, looking lustfully at random girls but also making an effort by resisting to cum as long as I can, also called “edging”, I used to mostly do it by masturbating for hours everyday while watching porn and being thirsty online and exchanging nudes and camming with random girls.
My hornyness is often the only source of positive feeling, in by building of lust and when I manage to get the hornyness to so immense intensity that I don’t think about anything else than sex. When I don’t think about anything else, well then I don’t think about all the bad shit in my life, I can be fully in the present and not worry. It’s a combination of escape and filling myself with the strongest and most positive feeling and sensation. It brings colour to my world and it’s an amazing feeling to look out and actually feel something, even if it’s just an intense excitement seeing a pretty girl have some little extra revealing clothes.
There is a downside, if there is no outlet for the lust, somewhere to direct it and if the orgasm isn’t shared it only amplifies the depression by enforcing the feeling of being lonely and as a failure. And the plunge into a very dark place is very hard and drastic. It takes a long time to recover and can pretty much only be done by making new successful efforts to become horny again. When wanting something more than anything else and when there is no way to fulfil that need, to cope with that realisation it tends to be a very primitive reaction, since I don’t really have any other firm ground to stand on, it all comes crashing down, it is in a sense life defining to the core of myself. In that moment it really feels like the truth about me is what it is, which I’ve been denying all this time, it is the culmination of everything that is me. The thoughts usually during that moment when unsuccessfully attempting to not be alone, is that no one wants you and will ever want you. The feeling that something is genuinely impossible can’t easily be overblown since it is a very toxic place to fall into and the longer you are in there the harder it is to shake it off.
I honestly have no idea how to not have that negative self/world-view as my base a lot of the time. Pretty much all the time I “know” that I have to spend the rest of my life alone, that I will never have what I want the most. Like by some accident I am the only person in history that is in fact unlovable. When knowing all that, you have never felt so alone as when you feel completely unseen.
Now I know, most of the time it’s all in my head because I know there people who would gladly be with me, but that’s the thing with depression, it’s fucked up.